TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
