he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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