I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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