There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
