I think I won the penis lottery.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
