You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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