I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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