Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
