I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
