her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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