nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
