Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
