Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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