I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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