Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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