Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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