He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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