My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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