Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
