I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
