saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
