I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
