Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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