So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
