she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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