I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
