i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
