some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
