On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
