uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
