I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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