Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
