So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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