you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
