Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
