hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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