I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
