I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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