her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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