I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
