Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
