If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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