Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
