I'm laying in your front yard are you home
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Drunk is not a location!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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