just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
