Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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