does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
