and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Randomize
