I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
