I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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